Sunday 9 November 2014

New Levels

One of the favourite things I love about being a sub is my choice not to have a choice...
I chose to give up that right the day I accepted my dominants collar and though there's been the odd occasion I have never regretted it.

Having rules reminds me of this decision constantly
Even though we're progressing as a couple..
As a d/s relationship..I know these rules...
These simple rules... mean a lot...A hell of a lot

So today I fucked up

I admitted it and made him aware of my fuck up...but I made it all the same.

Shortly after accepting this misdemeanour I received this...

This is the rule you breached today.
4. Internet Use.
I must request of Master whenever I wishes to go onto any social network site, such as Facebook.

This adds a week to your probation so it's like starting again for you as you were a week in ... Plus
You must be punished.

Now
It makes me extremely frustrated to know that I'm starting my 2 weeks of first rules again.
Also I didn't know what the punishment was

On meeting this evening
Our kisses and cuddles are very normal on greeting
I wasn't aware of the message he'd sent already
I pleaded for the 2nd week to stay of the rules.
He didn't relent...They've started again
Then he asked if I wanted...
"Crop...flogger or hand for punishment?"

Now I'm crap at choice...hense the reason for giving it up...I don't miss it

My suggestion was all 3..
Hell..spank me already :)...my mouth does walk sometimes...

He first patted his lap...
I jumped on like a sweet girl hugging her man...loving his scent tonight...
He explained the need for punishment again...
I nodded...
I completely understood..After all I alerted him to what I'd done...
He then explained that rewards also came with telling the truth
..This I wasn't expecting...

A little buzzing friend was produced...I didn't know what it was...part from it vibrated round my cunt..
It was dark...
Could feel myself getting wet with excitement...
So the vibrations hovered round my clit...
Could feel the tips of an orgasm
"Please can I come?"

I will never forget that one again...

He pondered...
Told me to wait..

Gah..
Waiting to cum is something I've never done
Waiting to cum is probably on our training list
I'm an impatient child at times and I tried

Squeezing my pelvic muscles...
I held till.."please.."
He allowed me to cum....thankfully. ..

I love how the light dances behind my eye lids after a cum down
I was extremely thankful

Now Punishments

"Crop...shall we say 10 times"
Now the crop has only been an occasional friend so far and I wanted to take the punishment of course and please Him
So I nodded....
Assumed the position...

"Remember safeword"
"Keep still"
"Count"
I just breathed...
First one stung like a bitch...
At 8 he asked where we were. ..I think it was 8...
9 was the most painful
At 10 my eyes filled and my head spun...

Part of me wanted to feel my limit
I don't think I would of made it to 20
Subspace lingered...
The heat
The pain

I curled into his arms
I am safe
I am loved
I was punished
I accepted the punishment
I'll stick by the rules
And my Butt. ....well
The bitch inside me is grinning

Friday 7 November 2014

Spanked!

Today has been a different day..
It was expected..of course it was expected....my mouth tends to ask for things before my brains kicked in and usually when that happens I can't take it back..

Anyway after being on a Orgasm denial ban for a couple of days due to Orgasming without asking several times outside the rules...*bows head*
Safe to say I was extremely gagging for it...
My need for play and pain increases the less I cum so I could of begged really instead my mouth asked for a spanking.....

So today I knew it was coming...literally...

Light spanks with his hand...got me so horny....The endorphins flowed like blood through my veins every time he hit...
Hard enough but not too much...repeatedly over my Butt cheeks...never in the same space...guessing where he would hit next...making my skin blush...
After I admired it in the mirror...
It ached slightly. ..loved it :)

In between our play...The bitch Paddle appeared...now I was there when this was purchased and it's been used as threat in the past so I'm some what intrigued in its power but slightly nervous...

I requested to try it on him first...my request of course got denied
Least I tried

So Butt up...head down....orginal position
He swore that it wouldn't be repeatedly but slow and swift...
Gah...no getting out of it this now

The wait I dreaded worse...never the pain..
First hit was the worse...
Recovering...The second one stung...
Third one...I held my breath...
Fourth one hit the first one which made me yell..
Fifth one...blended into the third one
And the first one still ached...
Or was that the third one?
The endorphins were so strong...
Waiting didn't matter now....pain surrounded my skin...
The feeling was unbelievable
He stopped. ...
I could of took more...
Very impressive
Extremely wet

Even the after pain make me horny
That and the impressive bruises

Wednesday 5 November 2014

Permission


I sometimes find it a bit tricky getting permission for things.
Not because he often says no - quite the reverse - because he almost always says yes.

And if it's no, however gracefully I try to hide my disappointment, if it's something I want then he wiggles things around until it can be a yes.

I'm not complaining AT ALL, it's one of his utterly endearing traits - how kind he is and how much he spoils me - at the same time I do find myself doubting if he really means it when he does say yes.

He's made it very clear that there are areas where he doesn't want strict control, where he doesn't want to micromanage - the rules are structured though.
Boy I love rules..Sometimes I forget but I love rules...

Of course the thing is, seeing as how he's enslaved me anyway, one thing I DO NOT WANT is to stray away from his preferences.

So sometimes it's tricky. I'll consult, I'll check, I'll be honest with what I've been thinking about and what I'd like to do... He ponders, he gives his seal of approval, he encourages...

And I'm left thinking - but do you, though? Do you really? Do you really mean yes? Or are you just saying yes because you want me to be happy?

Mind you, not that it really matters. If he wants to say yes to keep or make me happy then he has every right to do so and I have to accept that gracefully just as I have to try and gracefully accept any decision and any reason he has for it. In the end, he can manage me anyway he wishes, right?

Right.

And I do love how kind and encouraging and wonderful he is.

I suppose what I want, is assurance that he is pleased with me and by my tastes and decisions, that they are in line with his vision of what he wants - if he even has one.

I want to do everything to please Him and make him happy.

Wanting


What do I want? 
I sometimes when he asks it...Think that it's a trick question
Does he mean an answer to an immediate question...as my opinion is only an opinion..he'll actually decide..
Does he mean to see if I was listening...I admit sometimes my mind drifts but I take everything in..
Does he mean to just ask...
Aside from the general answer I want hundreds of things..
i want him
Who has the ability and desire to take complete control of me.
Who knows me to my core, who understands without needing to tell Him my deepest fantasies.
Who craves my submission as deeply as i crave His Domination.
i want to be controlled. Completely…
I want the inner peace, to know that you are accepted just as you are. But, not only that, to know that this person has chosen to own you, to make you His possession, to be cherished by Him.
To know that He wants my happiness and is willing to push me towards it.
I want to please Him above all else...hearing the hushed.."good girl" is a wonderful sound
His ability to push my limits and know how far.

This is all i ever wanted. 
I want to trust...obey...listen...
I want to follow and love...

Tuesday 28 October 2014

Little Finger


A thought process that came to me yesterday...finally getting round to process it properly today...

Why is it that some men get so cowcow over women and other men take control and can act so calm and collected? 

I used to be the one to always control my vanilla relationships with just a flutter of my eye.
Those men were at my Beck and call.
My vanilla significant others handed the power over to me in almost anything because I had the pussy but meanwhile I started losing respect for them because they slowly were losing their masculinity due to their feelings. 
I knew then I needed what they couldn't give

Now don’t get me wrong,  I love to feel loved but I need the man to act like a man.
That means to me maybe something different than you. I need the man to take control,  make the decisions,  and have the confidence to perform in situations in a respected and Mature manner.
I don’t want the control.
I’m a women and a natural submissive so by default I like a strong man that will not let me manipulate him because his wishy washy attitude to do all things just to appease me.
I’m not going to leave a relationship because I didn’t get my way....in fact respect him more due to not caving...that takes strength
If anything I have the need to stay when I’m being led.
If I lead myself then my happiness dissipates and I lose the ability to look up to my partner because their guidance disappears. 

I may be just rambling...but I can ramble here...
When it boils down to it, I believe a man can be in love without letting himself be wrapped around her little finger. 

Sunday 19 October 2014

The simplest things...


Me and my Master. ..AD...he's called here... have what we call...happy hour...
As we still live separately at the moment, every time we share is as equally as valuable as the next...so happy hour is very special...
Sometimes we talk...Sometimes we plan...
Sometimes it's serious...Sometimes it's joking. ..Always laughable...

Tonight
I listened to a brief pep talk....not because I've been bad...but to keep me in my place....
These talks usually make me feel two things...
Horny and submissive...
Horny because I feel so Damn hot when he's telling me how it is and what I'm not gonna do and Submissive because aside from drooling all I can do is nod...
Then we ate...
And I think I can say we both got extremely lucky ;) 

Now I'm new to car stuff but it's fabulous...and giving rough head and deep swallows is one of my favourite pass times...

Happy hour was indeed happy and it's the simplest things that make it that.

My Master

I’ve thought about this for months… Months ago I didn’t know…now I do In a dominant I know what I want:

This is for him:

Trustworthiness:
 This is probably number one on my list. How can you totally surrender to someone who does not give you a reason to trust them? Trusting someone to beat you while you are bound is often easier than trusting them with the many secrets and hopes of your heart and soul. That is why I am very careful about who I let in to my mind and heart.

Communication Skills:
He should be able to communicate. Communication and talking are not the same thing…this I have learnt.
Along with communication comes Listening. Listening to what’s being said and to sort out the real meaning behind the words. He also has to be able to express his wants and needs to me in a way that I can understand.
I not only want to know the deed, but your motivation behind it. If I do not understand what is expected of me, how can I ever succeed in pleasing You?
Communication is a two way street. I hope I’m now showing this and making it a priority that will keep us together and closer than I have ever been with another person.

To be Able to Love:
 Without a loving heart, You become nothing more than a set of rules and a taskmaster.
He must be able to love Himself as well. If He is not capable of seeing Himself as lovable, then he’ll never accept the love that I will so freely offer. When I see You give attention to my children, I see a the kind of man I want to give my heart to for a lifetime.
Your instincts to comfort, protect and nurture are developed so beautifully.

A Willingness To Teach:
A great master is a great teacher.
That’s part of the job of being a Dom.
He’s going to be teacher for the duration of our relationship.
 He needs to have patience.
He will reward when a lesson is learned and wants me to become all I can be.
One of the primary goals He should have is creating an environment where I can grow and develop emotionally and intellectually.
 A true Dom will teach by setting the example. If He wants respect He shows it to others. If He wants loyalty, He is loyal. If He wants honesty, He is honest.
 I want for someone who is my intellectual equal or superior. This is important to me because if I will probably not be satisfied intellectually with someone who is not able to meet or challenge me on a whole.

Sense of Humour:
 Being able to see the sense of humour in life’s little adventures is important in a partner and a relationship for me.
Being able to laugh, especially at oneself, is a very strong character trait – it shows the confidence, and compassionate part of them.

I want to know that there will be consequences when I disobey and that he will consistently apply them:
This never seemed quite as important to me as it is now.  It should not mean that one of the things that are critical should be neglected because He is afraid of hurting me.
I can become despondent when I have done something wrong and the only way to move past it sometimes is to face and take that punishment in such a way He can only be proud of you.
That punishment is the only thing that helps me move on, even if it still appears I am pouting. I call it more of a reflection. No, it is not a way to get spanked or beaten. It is not a way to force Him to play with me. It is critical to my wellbeing to know that I will be handled in the way I need to be able to move forward. I do not enjoy punishment. I want to know that he can control himself. How can a dominant control a submissive if He is unable to control himself?

I want to know that when I chose Him – He is in control of his own life and emotions. It is hard enough to do everything as perfectly as I can for Him, without having to think of all the things I need to avoid to not face a temper.
A dominant that screams and shouts to get things done, is not attractive. I want to know that I will be safe and that He knows what He is doing or at least would want to be willing and committed to research.

I know we are new and there is lots of chemistry. I do not want to be with someone who will hurt me unintentionally.
I want to feel safe and cared for.
I have already been in one of those relationships; I do not want a repeat.
 I want to know that He understands me.
 I do not want to be with someone who is looking for a slut or a tart and nothing else.
I am looking for someone that knows that I want to serve and that I am not a doormat who wants to be abused.
I am looking for the man who knows that I need to be controlled and I need to give my all.
There is no halfway, and I need to know that all of me is not too much.
He will never berate me as weak or desperate.
 I am looking for what I have I am very lucky

Obedient Little One?

I consider myself to be an obedient person.

Always have been a rule follower….well really a follower..

My parents would likely disagree with that through my childhood I’m good at following rules.

I like structure.

Being a rule follower – obedience – is what makes me what I consider makes me to be a good submissive.
He tells me what to do and I do it. With a few exceptions, of course.
Rules make me…They fill the urge to please…The need that flows through my veins I know where I stand with them I’ve forgotten some rules, but I don’t consider that being disobedient.

To me, disobedient is intentionally not doing something I forgot because it’s week 1 of the rules and I blame it on my learning curve.

So what does obedience mean to you?
Why are you obedient?
I saw this as a topic of discussion on Fetlife under a Slaves post which got me thinking… Interestingly, the discussion mostly centered around trust.
Can you be obedient to someone you don’t trust? Can you be obedient to someone who doesn’t trust him/herself?
Can you be obedient if you don’t trust yourself?
I have mixed feelings about this.
Because I trust AD whole-heartedly with my mental and physical self, I don’t have an issue being obedient to Him.
And I think if you don’t trust yourself, that’s the perfect opportunity to be obedient to someone else who has your best interests at heart.
But some of the slaves brought this up: If you don’t trust yourself to make good decisions, will you know if the person you’ve given your trust/submission/obedience to actually has your best interests at heart?
 I think the big one for me is being obedient to someone who doesn’t trust him/herself.
A dom should be sure of himself I’m not sure if I could be obedient to that kind of person.
But on the other hand, if giving my obedience to that kind of person actually helps him/her become more trusting of him/herself, then it’s a win-win, right?

What obedience comes down to for me is this: It fucking feels good. It feels right. I love saying “Yes” Being obedient gives me a sense of purpose and pride.
Me being obedient makes Him happy. And when He’s happy, I’m happy.

Who we are


Looking at the way things are, You may think that my journey into the BDSM lifestyle started with a certain trilogy of books.
They were my first foray into reading erotic romance, they were a gateway drug of sorts into reading more erotic romance.
And I found myself most drawn to erotic BDSM romance.
The vanilla books just didn’t give me as much of a thrill anymore.
Soon after that I moved onto reading blogs and connecting with people online.
It all started to click for me: My desire to start and live this lifestyle really started even before I became obsessed with reading.

Some of my earliest fantasies are of bondage and in reality, I’ve been pushing my parents buttons for years, that always gave a thrill..
It wasn’t until I started reading that I discovered there was a name for and lifestyle surrounding what I really wanted and needed.
Also now I know it’s more than just in the bedroom.

That’s when I dropped onto Fetlife

My Master and I began our journey around mid 2013 through a series of online communication..
It soon escalated quite quickly as we were both sure on what we wanted.
Lust soon mixed with love and I found myself staring at my soul mate…
We are just compatible with life with each other not just bdsm
We are however still infants in this lifestyle and we continue to learn through our own experiences which are all so amazing. We just know that it is right for us and this is ttwd.


Saturday 18 October 2014

New Place


I started a journal on wordpress...found it not very interesting so thought I'd come back to where I knew... This was my first post there.

I remember starting a journal…by hand this was at the beginning of high school so 1999.

I kept it for about 4 years.

While non of if was of any importance it was definitely a representation of how I was feeling at that time in my life.
Everyone in my family seemed to have a place, except me. Which, in reality, wasn’t true, but that’s how I felt at the time. After a huge spell of bad luck and blinded by grief I found myself on an online community and began blogging about my life. It’s like I had found my voice, the ache to be heard flowed constantly in my words, I just needed to speak and they listened.
Topics of conversation were never hard, even when I didn’t really want to speak, writing helped so much that on days when I didn’t blog it seemed strange. Soon life got in the way, issues with mental health made me question my sanity so writing was out…I couldn’t communicate with myself let alone other people…

Life was black then
So being asked to do this in a set of rules provided by my dominant…is kinda like shaking the cobwebs off the keyboard and starting afresh. I hope the words just come as easily as accepting it did.

I'm Parvelus and these are my musings