We're back

Afternoon people :)

So sorry for the long gap....
Due to real life and personal stuff, AD and I have been living a pretty vanilla life.
Sometimes painfully vanilla. It's been difficult adjusting, but we've managed. We've had a lot of conversations about where our relationship was going, our needs and wants, and our happiness in general. We've had some scary discussions, we've had some really deep heart to hearts. At the end of the day, neither of us want to imagine life without the other. We came to the conclusion things would get better, and we love each other enough to stick it out.

It's been tough, but things finally started looking up this past week. We're again at a place where our other relationship can actually happen.

So with respect...In bed...Wednesday evening...
He dictated his terms...
Very good terms might I add....
And we're seeing where it'll take us and make us

I think my Daddy's back, and I couldn't be a happier little girl.

Thankyou for all your help and indeed talking was the best thing :)
Am I too new for this month's Q and A thing?

Parvelus

Battles

I'm sorry I'm only just here...
I've logged on a dozen times..replying and reading occasionally, I just couldn't write.
I wanted to just the words weren't formed right on my head...and to be honest I'm a bit lost
I thought logging in would keep my feet in the water now I'm paddling with nowhere to go...
This post is asking a little on us and a lot on advice. ..
I know bloggers can give advice....geez I've seen loads of sexual help pages...but mine isn't sexual...
A bdsm lifestyle isn't all about sex surely. ..well our sex life isn't the issue...I'm not even sure if it is an actual issue or whether it's me and my mind is blowing everything out of proportion :/
My mind is a daily battle....me against my inner chimp...maybe that's why I feel like my submission is failing..

So advice....

I feel as though we're losing our way with our chosen lifestyle
Maybe our path is a bit murky or there's a wall down where we want to go....I don't know...
Metaphorically speaking we'd just jump over the wall and carry on but what happens if it wasn't the wall that was the problem in the first place and we were actually going the wrong way?
Too deep...
I'm sorry...anyway

We basically joined life's together in October and a few personal changes happened...We've got a young family...New arrangements. ..I get that life can get in the way of the things you want sometimes...
But October was nearly 5 months ago and I just don't feel like we're back on track....Our d/s lifestyle has gone..
I'm lost without guidance....I need submission in my life...It makes me feel normal....wanted....loved....needed...I want to earn my place...
We've spoken about it briefly....
He reckons it will come in time....I don't understand that. ..For me it's there to give...its waiting
I want to be patient. ...I want to understand where he is.
I love him completely and I am happy...extremely happy and I want us to work.

Which is why I'm here
I'm posting because I need some advice and this is where I hoped I'd find it

Thankyou

Parvelus X

New Levels

One of the favourite things I love about being a sub is my choice not to have a choice...
I chose to give up that right the day I accepted my dominants collar and though there's been the odd occasion I have never regretted it.

Having rules reminds me of this decision constantly
Even though we're progressing as a couple..
As a d/s relationship..I know these rules...
These simple rules... mean a lot...A hell of a lot

So today I fucked up

I admitted it and made him aware of my fuck up...but I made it all the same.

Shortly after accepting this misdemeanour I received this...

This is the rule you breached today.
4. Internet Use.
I must request of Master whenever I wishes to go onto any social network site, such as Facebook.

This adds a week to your probation so it's like starting again for you as you were a week in ... Plus
You must be punished.

Now
It makes me extremely frustrated to know that I'm starting my 2 weeks of first rules again.
Also I didn't know what the punishment was

On meeting this evening
Our kisses and cuddles are very normal on greeting
I wasn't aware of the message he'd sent already
I pleaded for the 2nd week to stay of the rules.
He didn't relent...They've started again
Then he asked if I wanted...
"Crop...flogger or hand for punishment?"

Now I'm crap at choice...hense the reason for giving it up...I don't miss it

My suggestion was all 3..
Hell..spank me already :)...my mouth does walk sometimes...

He first patted his lap...
I jumped on like a sweet girl hugging her man...loving his scent tonight...
He explained the need for punishment again...
I nodded...
I completely understood..After all I alerted him to what I'd done...
He then explained that rewards also came with telling the truth
..This I wasn't expecting...

A little buzzing friend was produced...I didn't know what it was...part from it vibrated round my cunt..
It was dark...
Could feel myself getting wet with excitement...
So the vibrations hovered round my clit...
Could feel the tips of an orgasm
"Please can I come?"

I will never forget that one again...

He pondered...
Told me to wait..

Gah..
Waiting to cum is something I've never done
Waiting to cum is probably on our training list
I'm an impatient child at times and I tried

Squeezing my pelvic muscles...
I held till.."please.."
He allowed me to cum....thankfully. ..

I love how the light dances behind my eye lids after a cum down
I was extremely thankful

Now Punishments

"Crop...shall we say 10 times"
Now the crop has only been an occasional friend so far and I wanted to take the punishment of course and please Him
So I nodded....
Assumed the position...

"Remember safeword"
"Keep still"
"Count"
I just breathed...
First one stung like a bitch...
At 8 he asked where we were. ..I think it was 8...
9 was the most painful
At 10 my eyes filled and my head spun...

Part of me wanted to feel my limit
I don't think I would of made it to 20
Subspace lingered...
The heat
The pain

I curled into his arms
I am safe
I am loved
I was punished
I accepted the punishment
I'll stick by the rules
And my Butt. ....well
The bitch inside me is grinning

Spanked!

Today has been a different day..
It was expected..of course it was expected....my mouth tends to ask for things before my brains kicked in and usually when that happens I can't take it back..

Anyway after being on a Orgasm denial ban for a couple of days due to Orgasming without asking several times outside the rules...*bows head*
Safe to say I was extremely gagging for it...
My need for play and pain increases the less I cum so I could of begged really instead my mouth asked for a spanking.....

So today I knew it was coming...literally...

Light spanks with his hand...got me so horny....The endorphins flowed like blood through my veins every time he hit...
Hard enough but not too much...repeatedly over my Butt cheeks...never in the same space...guessing where he would hit next...making my skin blush...
After I admired it in the mirror...
It ached slightly. ..loved it :)

In between our play...The bitch Paddle appeared...now I was there when this was purchased and it's been used as threat in the past so I'm some what intrigued in its power but slightly nervous...

I requested to try it on him first...my request of course got denied
Least I tried

So Butt up...head down....orginal position
He swore that it wouldn't be repeatedly but slow and swift...
Gah...no getting out of it this now

The wait I dreaded worse...never the pain..
First hit was the worse...
Recovering...The second one stung...
Third one...I held my breath...
Fourth one hit the first one which made me yell..
Fifth one...blended into the third one
And the first one still ached...
Or was that the third one?
The endorphins were so strong...
Waiting didn't matter now....pain surrounded my skin...
The feeling was unbelievable
He stopped. ...
I could of took more...
Very impressive
Extremely wet

Even the after pain make me horny
That and the impressive bruises

Permission

I sometimes find it a bit tricky getting permission for things.
Not because he often says no - quite the reverse - because he almost always says yes.

And if it's no, however gracefully I try to hide my disappointment, if it's something I want then he wiggles things around until it can be a yes.

I'm not complaining AT ALL, it's one of his utterly endearing traits - how kind he is and how much he spoils me - at the same time I do find myself doubting if he really means it when he does say yes.

He's made it very clear that there are areas where he doesn't want strict control, where he doesn't want to micromanage - the rules are structured though.
Boy I love rules..Sometimes I forget but I love rules...

Of course the thing is, seeing as how he's enslaved me anyway, one thing I DO NOT WANT is to stray away from his preferences.

So sometimes it's tricky. I'll consult, I'll check, I'll be honest with what I've been thinking about and what I'd like to do... He ponders, he gives his seal of approval, he encourages...

And I'm left thinking - but do you, though? Do you really? Do you really mean yes? Or are you just saying yes because you want me to be happy?

Mind you, not that it really matters. If he wants to say yes to keep or make me happy then he has every right to do so and I have to accept that gracefully just as I have to try and gracefully accept any decision and any reason he has for it. In the end, he can manage me anyway he wishes, right?

Right.

And I do love how kind and encouraging and wonderful he is.

I suppose what I want, is assurance that he is pleased with me and by my tastes and decisions, that they are in line with his vision of what he wants - if he even has one.

I want to do everything to please Him and make him happy.

Wanting

What do I want? 
I sometimes when he asks it...Think that it's a trick question
Does he mean an answer to an immediate question...as my opinion is only an opinion..he'll actually decide..
Does he mean to see if I was listening...I admit sometimes my mind drifts but I take everything in..
Does he mean to just ask...
Aside from the general answer I want hundreds of things..
i want him
Who has the ability and desire to take complete control of me.
Who knows me to my core, who understands without needing to tell Him my deepest fantasies.
Who craves my submission as deeply as i crave His Domination.
i want to be controlled. Completely…
I want the inner peace, to know that you are accepted just as you are. But, not only that, to know that this person has chosen to own you, to make you His possession, to be cherished by Him.
To know that He wants my happiness and is willing to push me towards it.
I want to please Him above all else...hearing the hushed.."good girl" is a wonderful sound
His ability to push my limits and know how far.

This is all i ever wanted. 
I want to trust...obey...listen...
I want to follow and love...

Little Finger

A thought process that came to me yesterday...finally getting round to process it properly today...

Why is it that some men get so cowcow over women and other men take control and can act so calm and collected? 

I used to be the one to always control my vanilla relationships with just a flutter of my eye.
Those men were at my Beck and call.
My vanilla significant others handed the power over to me in almost anything because I had the pussy but meanwhile I started losing respect for them because they slowly were losing their masculinity due to their feelings. 
I knew then I needed what they couldn't give

Now don’t get me wrong,  I love to feel loved but I need the man to act like a man.
That means to me maybe something different than you. I need the man to take control,  make the decisions,  and have the confidence to perform in situations in a respected and Mature manner.
I don’t want the control.
I’m a women and a natural submissive so by default I like a strong man that will not let me manipulate him because his wishy washy attitude to do all things just to appease me.
I’m not going to leave a relationship because I didn’t get my way....in fact respect him more due to not caving...that takes strength
If anything I have the need to stay when I’m being led.
If I lead myself then my happiness dissipates and I lose the ability to look up to my partner because their guidance disappears. 

I may be just rambling...but I can ramble here...
When it boils down to it, I believe a man can be in love without letting himself be wrapped around her little finger.